Image courtesy of MB Wilmot "The Desert Warrior"
Let me tell you a story... and I'm going to warn you, this is a lengthy read. So... pop some popcorn, grab a snack, a comfy blanket and a pillow... whatever you do, don't miss out on reading everything, in the case that you needed to hear what I had to spew in this one.
When I was 5 years old, a lot of crazy things happened that my parents might call events from my broad imagination (there's no doubt my imagination is quite vast in size). However, these events I hold as actual events of reality that were a foreshadowing of the person I was to become.
DUN DUN DUN
Seriously. Call me crazy, but I dreamt of Jesus (no, hang on for just a second there, this is not going to be a religiously theological post, I'm just telling you a story so sit your caboose down and listen up, I'll get to my point eventually). He was following me - chasing, even - and I was kinda scared (what do you expect? I was 5 years of age and this olive-skinned dude w/ (not the best description, but best as I can make) these crazy eyes that weren't like any eyes I've ever seen, but kind of looked like this dude whose picture was on an altar that my parents had in the home (except dude on the altar looked a lot whiter, this dude was olive-skinned, really dark hair, and kinda Middle-Eastern looking) was chasing me.
I had in my pocket what seemed like a never-ending supply of wood, plus a hammer and nails. Just like you'd see in the cartoons, I started building an ark-like box of protection around myself trying to get away to some extent, and He just kept coming at me through the wood. Finally, I was in what was a 2mm x 2mm space (I know that's impossible, but that was the exact spacing that I had figured in my mind after building layer upon layer of wood for protection around me) and had nowhere else to go. His face came through and was face-to-face with mines when I understood, "Do not be afraid."
I woke up.
Later that year, I was playing in the backyard of our new home when I came across a baby bird that had somehow found its way to the cement (as if it had fallen from the sky somehow - no tree/nest nearby that made any sense for it to be laying where it was). It was still alive. The problem with this baby bird - a bird that was featherless (YES, THAT YOUNG) - was not only was it alive, but it was knocking on death's door already and ants were already starting to eat at it. I was moved by such pity that I ran into the house, grabbed the butcher knife, came out and (not looking) chopped off its head in what I thought to be a kindness.
Now before you think I'm really crazy (or maybe you think so already, but hear me out), as separate as these two events might seem, they were definitely the first two events in my life that I can think of linking me to my current self.
A dream of Jesus and a mercy-killing equals a health & fitness professional? Doesn't seem to match up well, does it?
Well, fast-forward to present day. I've learned a lot, experienced a lot and continue living each and every day of my life. I've lived through the deaths of many people who were influential in my life... the ones who particularly stick out are those who've really been catalysts in creating the person whom I am today. And while I'm no more perfect than I was yesterday, I believe that I'm doing better in making more solid choices on how to proceed with living my life the way I want to live it, as opposed to yesterday. My thoughts and my actions have a more clear intention in their role for my moving forward with life. My passion for leaving this world a better place than I found it drives me.
Circling back to the two previous events I had discussed, let me bring out a few things that I think have been of significance in the past few years of my life:
1) Knowing when to let something go, rather than hanging on to a hopeless cause
2) Knowing that eternal life doesn't come so easy, but a life lived well and in the service of the world will leave a legacy untold far beyond physical death
3) There is nothing to be afraid of
Amongst those who have lived and gone into the next adventure, I want to talk about my paternal grandmother and Paul Mihalescu - my LF bossman, good friend and now angel on the next plane. They were both my Scorpion brethren (lol I know some of you will find the zodiac reference silly, but it's something we all used as a bonding between us, understanding each other's nature). Their birthdays were one day apart (Mama Dina's birthday was November 7, Paul's November 6), and they share the same death anniversary. Interesting coincidences, but I build this all up for a reason. They both were of essence in teaching me those three lessons that have been so monumental for me in the past few years of my life.
I can list a few others (Reggie, my older cousin; my maternal grandfather, Rafael; my younger cousin, Chris; my dearly beloved friend and mentor, Joe - to name a few). But I mention specifically Paul & Mama Dina because of how much their lives reflected these things to me.
1) Knowing When To Let Something Go, Rather Than Hanging On To a Hopeless Cause
My closest people will attest to my gripping claws at hanging on to EVERYTHING forever.
I can remember things back to the age of 2 that affected me in some way, and though I might have forgiven, I have not forgotten. Like the body that has been comfortable at a certain set-point, I have fought to stay and simmer in something until the life has been beaten out of it many times over.
My grandmother suffered from diabetes her whole life and 21 years before her death, she suffered the loss of her soul mate, my grandpa Frederick (aka "Lolo Dad"). She continued her life for many years with the love of her family keeping her motivated, keeping her going. She provided nothing but love to her family for many years, and when her health started to get the better of her, she made the conscious choice to slow down the fighting. On February 2, 2008, she finally had her fill and let everything go.
While there are many of us who can attest to the strength of her heart, I truly believe that had she truly wanted this life anymore, she would have hung on. But to her, life had become a hopeless cause already, so there was no need to fight anymore.
Paul, one of the brightest friends I've had, was similar in the respect of letting things go that no longer served him. He lived life to the fullest and took what he wanted from it, never worrying about the negatives that life served - it was always about learning and growing. He would feel to the fullest and let go to the fullest, when circumstances/life demanded. In fact, he spewed his thoughts on such a topic right here in this article and in this article. Taking a quote from the latter:
"Start walking the road you believe in. Be confident with every step, even when you know you’ll fuck up. Help the most people you can along your path. Be honest. Learn from every experience you encounter. Invest in yourself as much as you’d invest in others. Do your best to make it work along the way. And always, always, I mean always, walk on your road—no matter what."
When I had first met Paul, I was going through the healing process of having been separated from someone with whom I had deep feelings for. Having been going over and hashing out the details with my girlfriends, it was nice having Paul's male perspective and validation on a lot of what I was already doing with myself. Throughout the time we worked together, it was also great having his constant support in terms of validating that I was indeed walking the right path for myself. So many times I had actually gone against my own grain and wanted to give up, as many times he had pushed back and said, "Look... you know what you're doing, keep going. I believe in you."
As much as I'd learned to let go through these two people, I had also learned that fully understanding this lesson meant knowing the opposite as well - when to keep fighting for something, and keep on moving.
2) Knowing That Eternal Life Doesn't Come So Easy, But a Life Lived Well and In the Service of the World Will Leave a Legacy Untold Far Beyond Physical Death
Both my Mama Dina and Paul lived their lives in the service of others, as did my cousin, Reggie, my grandpa Rafael (aka "Lolo"), and my friend, Joe. Though Paul has recently passed, his legacy is apparent and strong. The community and family he built with those of us who became a part of Leader's Fitness is a stellar example of all that he worked for. The many who have posted testament and their heartfelt expressions of gratitude for what he provided are a stellar example of his life of service to others. Those of us who still mourn his passing, but continue the work he helped us get started on are an example of his life's legacy.
My Mama Dina's love was an example for all those whose lives she touched. The love she held for my grandfather was the example that shone out in my mind or what I wanted to find with my own lifetime partner one day. The love she held for her family is the love that has provided for me an example of how to be to my own family. Every person whom I know that knew her lives out the legacy of her love every day of their lives.
Same thing with Reggie, Lolo and Joe. They all lived a life of service. They all lived life well. And they continue to touch lives long after they have gone.
We are all seeking the fountain of youth and how to live longer. It's why we eat healthier, get in regular exercise and activity, take our supplements, go to the doctor, etc. etc. But the reality of what exists long beyond our physical passing is something more - it is the spirit that has touched this plane of existence and transforms the spirit of this plane of existence that continues to live eternally. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, but energy and spirit is eternal - it merely transfers from one form to another.
3) There Is Nothing To Be Afraid Of
There was no fear in letting go for any of these people, and if there was such a thing, it never stopped them from doing what they did in life. Whatever will be, will be - one of my grandmother's favorite songs, and a lil' tune I often hear from my other half. It's true.
At the end of the day, we fashion the life we live. We can choose to live in fear of the unknown and forgo taking the risks that bring so much richness to our lives, or we can choose to take on that which life blesses us with and live the hell out of it.
My grandmother, Paul, Lolo and Joe all crossed oceans and boundaries to follow their hearts' contents, live out dreams and make life what they had hoped to make it. Where they may not have succeeded at ALL things, they came close enough and were transformed by that which they did succeed at encountering on such journeys. Reggie did whatever he felt like doing - if he had any fear of doing such things, he never showed it. It is for this reason that anyone who knew him were inspired by him. I, for certain, wanted to do everything he did. And if it weren't for him, I'd never have joined the Army, become as athletic as I had been in my life, and be where I am today.
Just as much as I'd repeatedly learned the same lesson from each and every person who lived with such boldness, I'd not be who and where I am today if it weren't for them.
This seems to be a constant theme in my blogposts. But I suppose I can't stress it enough because that's what growing is all about - living, learning and moving forward.
In the past year from today, I have grown from a budding fitness pro, struggling to raise my two children alone, getting prepped to compete in my first powerlifting competition, to being the Assistant Personal Training Director at the gym that I currently work at, training for my third powerlifting competition and content in the present moment of being considered the other half to someone whom I never thought would become that person for me, prepping to write the next chapter and see where it takes us.
There are no guarantees, except that I will continue to move forward, live as much as I can possibly live through these moments, doing what I choose to do with every ounce of accountability for my own actions, not letting fear hold me back, but allowing faith to light my way.
I've found substance within myself that helps me to find the substance that fills my life.
Have you found yours? If not, then what are you waiting for?
